Scor
Get Married at age 21
12th Nov 1988
DESIRES;
Be a Mother at age 22
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God Sis. nEshy. SC. liNg linG. ir3ne (riNg riNg). ducKy. EvA. li teng. kaRl. caRen. 1.73m.
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today i had a long fever. last from afternoon all the way until night. now is ok le. afternoon was quite bad. but been someone sturbborn i refused to go home. and insisted in going in with the plan i had planned out for today. i refuse to be defeated by fever, cough and slight flu. just finish part of my project. the crm thing. another survey thingy. finally i finish tallying and analysising. but i just realised i still got a lot of hw and project to do. firstly the most important fa. somehting that i will do. secondly the b&fi. i had both hw an dproject. thirdly is the rwps one. both hw and project. i wonder how i am going to finish all of them within sunday. tough case. tml i am fully booked le. so no time for work. tml is wedding day. ha ha. so happy. another happy couple are getting married. and that took up my whole day. tsk tsk.
*yawn* finally finish the tally of the survey results. so happy. hee hee. finally there is something in a project that i know how to do le. ha ha. these few weeks feel so bad la. they are always doing the project. and i never know how to do the projects and wat to do about hte projects. though i hate surveys but that is the only part that i know how to do. ha ha. i know i very stupid la. ha ha.
i am sooo hungry now. dunno wat got into me these few days. keep on having the tot of hunger. and constantly wanna eat food. i have enter the best period of eating buffet time. ha ha. but another sad thing is. i am broke le. very broke. now dun even have the money to eat lor. tsk tsk. might as well. this will help me to curb my eating. dunno y i always feel hungry and just wanna eat non stop. think my stomach got worms le. tsk tsk. just now forget to withdraw money. think tml can whole day dun eat liao. ha ha. no tuition no income. so sian. the study trip thing make me broke. but i am getting another job soon. dun care about my studies le. cos no matter wat i cannot catch up le. i am too stressed up. just aimed for a pass can le. no expectation no disappointment. it has always been that way. ha ha. the more u expect the higher the disappointment. and if i aim for a pass only then when i suddenly got good grades i will be very happy. so let things remain as it is. i have learn to have no expectation at all to prevent disappointment. ha ha. stomach grumbling. i am so hungry!!!
i am feeling unwell. think i falling sick soon. dun noe y i had difficulties opening my eyes. think i will slp early tonight. so tire. long week ahead.
i should not be here updating my blog actually. ha ha. but very the sian. dun feel like doing my homework. so here i am slacking around first. ha ha.
so pissed and sian lor. that toopie mum go and off my com. so idiot. haiz. can't she just leave me alone. always disturbing me. and even worse disturb me at the wrong time somemore. idiot lor. everything oso wanna guan me. so sickening. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
ha ha. saw karl's tag. therefore this entry ha ha.
i have re open the blog and with a new skin too. ha ha. this marks the new me with a new heart. my old heart has been stabbed repeated and is shattered into tiny pieces. all thanks to my friends who sew it back with tender loving care. ha ha. thanks so much. esp DENISE. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS U HAVE DONE. THANKS FOR BEEN THERE. ha ha. my heart may be sew back and is on the road on recovery but it now oso contain hatred. there are seasoning of hatred on my heart. i am trying hard to remove the hatred le. just need some more time. through all these that had happen i know who are my friends in cya and who are not. i have grown up in my judgement after so many incidents.
i have decided to close down this blog. no use for me to continue with it. ha ha. since the first time i started is becos i cannot use com. secondly for me to communicate with cya ppl. but i can now use my com. and i have quit cya. so no point for me to update this blog anymore. ha ha.
my mind is set. i am quiting cya. i have serious attitude problem. therefore i shall not stay on with cya anymore. i am quiting. sorry. sorry. took me so long to come to this decision. but i am quiting. ha ha. i would like to go for the imf thing. but yeah i am quiting cya. and thats that. i am too tired le. too sick and tire.
my mind is trying to protect myself from harm and hurt. but my heart is trying to hurt and harm my mond. wat a weird combi ha ha. but that is me. weird. ha ha.
ha ha/ i am listening to mr brown now. ha ha. so funny.
well today was a tiring day. but very funny. lol. u can see all the staffs rushing all over the place trying to grab stuffs they can buy since today is last day and counter closing soon. lol. so funny. in the end i couldn't really got the stuff i want. all thanks to a black. hmph.
just came back home from work. actually not just la. reach home around 12 am. so around 1 hour ago i reached home le. my two feet and shoulder are sore. so tired. looked at all the blur black and wounds on my legs. i wonder wat i am doing.
able to do things for love ones is not a burden but a blessing.
i dunno y but i think i like to self decieve myself and in the process ruin my whole life. my life is semi ruin and i am bloody tire. very tire. sick in the mind. tire in the mind. injured my hands and legs. injured emotionally. i am wounded internally and externally. very sick and tire. sick of my life and tire of myself. wat the hell am i doing by ruining myself. maybe i have the answer but i do not want to acknowledge it. i am running away. running away from everything. thus i am tire too tire from all the running. i want to die. leave this world of hell. i am living it hell. in the past i tot i know wat can end this living hell from me other than death. but now not anymore. i think only death can solve my problem.
if u love him/her u wun hurt him/her. if u hurt him/her it means there is no love between the two of u, it is just a "hallucination". a wrong feeling that u actually love him/her. so dun ever tell the person u tot u love that u love him/her for it will only hurt him/her more.
i am very tire and exhausted. tml later need to go to work at 8 am somemore. very tire. thinking of taking train there instead of been stubborn. the study is very stressful. project work and elearning crap. i have no time to do at all. i feel so stress. can i die? i really want to die. i really dun want to study. i hate to study. i hate it. i want to die. i want to die.
it has all ended. finally ended. i finally convinced myself. ha ha. saw him today and i come to conclusion le. it has all ended. everything ended. i had been too young and immature. i will not get into a relationship anymore. for i am still too young and immature. i will get into one when i really know the meaning of love and a guy who really loves me and i am able to feel his love for me has come along. i do not want to hurt anyone anymore and i am tire le. ha ha.
time for me to close the chapter and move on le. although there are still a lot of questions in my head and mind swimming around. hoping that one day he would answer all the questions i had. but at least i got the answer to the biggest question mark i had. the one that cause me to be chain or should i say hold me back and cause me hatred? but at least i got that answer. but in my heart there is a big and complicated knot. only he is able to unknot it. but i dun think he will. just like the knot my mother has tied and never untied. causing me to be hurt even years have passed. that knot or wound still hurt when i touch it. i am hoping that this time the knot tie by him wun last so long and he will him me unknot soon. i just need the answers to all my questions to unknot it. without the answer i will be thinking and thinking of all the possible answers i had to my questions and hurting myself more and more.
i woke up today with a different feeling again. the feeling of hate. a feeling that i know i should not have but i can't help to feel that way.
i am back in my personal space alone... back in my house but my home is in the virtual world. wat can i do. my life is not control by me. i am a sinner. sinner now and for my past life. and i have to pay the price for all the sins i did in my lifetime. i am in this cold house all alone once again. with nothing to lean on. i can only lean on my pillow. i am left alone once again. been dumped. it is all predicted. since the day i was born i have been the unwanted. i should not have expected so much. it is amuzing how much tears one can have. it doesn't seems to run up or dry up. it continues to flow. it has been 25 hours and 18 mins since we broke up. i have let go i tot. give me one week and i will be standing back on my feet again. i have learn my lesson. a sinner will never happiness and should not expect anything. things happen is all my fault. i am a jinx. i cause him to have warning letter. i cause him to get stressed up by desmond and his classmates. i caused him to fall sick. i caused him to failed his tests. i caused him to get in trouble with his parents. i am a jinx. and since he intiated the break up there is nothing i can do but to agree to it. hope his life would be better without me jinxing him. i tot he would be happy with the break up. but he say no. it drive me nuts. wat must i do to make him feel happy? i try my best and i am exhausted. but i have no one to blame i causes all these to happen. i am a jinx. i have always been a outcast. i should not have deen feeling over that life has turn better for me and someone actually love me. i am so dumb so stupid so idiot so retarded. he lied to me and broke his promise and toy with me. i had never really trusted and have faith in love until he and me are together. but once again i am proven wrong. he broke the trust i once had for him. now i can't bring myself to believe any guys again.
i should have anticipated all this when the chain broke.
my com is back le. but we are not together le.